Sorrow and Sadness with a dash of Hope and Faith.

Granddad and I in 2011. 

It is amazing how just a few words can impact you. Earlier on this evening my dad told me that my grandfather has cancer, for him it is serious. I read that sentence and I got up and walked to the living room with not a single thought in my head, I felt numb, I stood in the door way, in my pink dressing gown and grey ankle socks and looked at my mum on her laptop and told her, and the tears started tickling my eyelashes. She hugged me and I just wanted to sob. I still do. 

I have never known death, not really, not until now. I know I have heard of other family members being ill and on their way to a life that is not on this plain. I have just never felt any kind of attachment to it. I don't think I would have had this kind of reaction to it on normal circumstances. I feel guilty, upset and utterly horrible. My grandfather is ill and I feel so horrible. I can sit here and say now that there are some people in my family that can die and I wouldn't feel half as sad and upset as I do now. I feel this way because I feel that if he passes away now he will pass without knowing how much I really do love him and care about him and how sorry I am that the last time I saw him we were fighting about shit that is not even important. If he passes now, he would be going without knowing that I really love him more than he knows and I respect and love him and am proud to be his granddaughter. 

This realization has made me realize how precious my family are to me, how I need to make amends and say sorry for all the shit I put them through and for the things that I am utterly sorry for. I just want them to know that I love them more than they could ever possibly imagine. 

All I can do now is hope and hope and have faith that my grandfather will be alright and okay. I just want to see him again and tell him how much he means to me, even though we have our differences.