News from me finally.

I have not posted anything in a really long time. I guess it is time to do so now.
Basically in the last few months there have been A LOT of changes in my life.

1. I moved out of my mothers house in October last year (2013)
2. I moved in with someone who is now my ex-girlfriend.
3. I live with flatmates. 
4. I am a waitress.
5. I no longer work with Tobie (photography/videography) (not talking about this)
6. Insomnia is back with vengeance.
7. I am growing my hair.
8. I hate humans. (self explanatory)
9. I am making BIG plans for the future. 

ONE&TWO

October, 2013. I moved out of my mooma's house and into Ash's house. Not the finest of ideas, but it actually really helped me A LOT. I learnt a lot of things and why it is better to be single. Seriously. I have come to the conclusion that relationships are burdens, boring when living together, suffocating messes. I discovered my love of being single very quickly in the 3 months of living with my now (thankfully) ex partner. 

I discovered that I like going for long drives when I can't sleep, I also like working at night, I also like being able to get up and leave to go on my own adventures for days on end. 

I couldn't do those things while being in a relationship, due to the fact that it would have been considered 'unfair'. I also discovered that there is more to life than warming some lonely persons bed. 

So no more relationships for a long long while, I have work to do, places to go and things to see. 

I don't have time to share with another person, I think I am way too neurotic to even be around most people. 

THREE&FOUR

I live with flatmates, first it started off as three of us, Scott, Elvin and I. 

Then it became Scott, Elvin, Abby, and I. 

Then it was Scott, Elvin, Abby, Kengeliq, and I. 

Then it dropped down to Elvin, Kengeliq, and I.

Now it is just Elvin and I. 

It has been one big roller-coaster ride of a journey over the last three months. But is has been awesome at times and really frustrating and insane at others. I have made some AMAZING friends in this house, I have also lost some too. 

I am out of Warner Beach, one of Toti's biggest shitholes, and I am in a quiet part of town. I work in a more chilled out place. So life is looking up. I am getting out of this smalltown soon though. 

Working at RJ's as a waitress is awesome, okay the pay is shitty, but it is MUCH better than bar work in some respects,  bar work ages a person. 

I was starting to feel old, drinking almost all the time, dealing with drunk people, putting up with nasty remarks and ugly comments day in and day out, working in a bar makes you feel violated at times. 

It makes you ugly and cynical, I was starting to lose my mind. Feeling my body literally fade away into feeling almost nothing, it makes you hate people, you become ugly, and you feel old, drained and weary, every person that walks through the door has a problem and they want to make it yours, yet no one even cares about your problems, that weight starts to become heavy to hold so you switch off to it and your customers call you a heartless bitch because you no longer care for listening to their shit and their issues, you start to become detached from life, from the people around you, it sucks. That being said not every barwench feels like that, I did though. I was sick of babysitting assholes all day, of dealing with their marriage problems, when all I wanted to do was scream "I WOULD HAVE DIVORCED YOUR DRUNK, DISGUSTING ASS TOO." at every guy that couldn't understand why his wife left him. 

The tips weren't even worth it, regulars hardly ever tip, this town is full of cheapskates and stingy people, the issue of getting tips was becoming a form of prostitution, (no not the sexual kind) where to get a good days tips would mean being sweet as sugar, smiling and batting eyelashes at guys that are revolting and vulgar, it would mean putting up with vile comments and not even frowning a micro millimeter. 

Humans SUCK.

BARS SUCK.

 SIX&NINE

I can't sleep. I find my mind being bombarded with useless shit constantly. Even when my body is so physically exhausted I still cannot sleep, my brain just won't shut down. When it does and I finally drift off to sleep, I only get an hour to three hours of sleep. Most nights I only get about three hours, over the last four days I have gotten next to nothing. Insomnia is driving me insane. 

If I wake up to go to the loo or because I hear something/someone in the garden, it is guaranteed that I will not fall back a sleep, if I wake up I won't be able to sleep again till the next night/morning/afternoon when ever it is that marks the next sleep cycle. 

My body is the only hand break that is forcing my brain to shut down and let me drift off. I run around and work myself into a state of physical exhaustion before I can actually fall asleep some nights. Even then that is not quality sleep, it is more like passing out, I wake up from that kind of sleep feeling more exhausted and shitty than I felt before I passed out. The nights when I get no sleep I end up laying in bed for hours wide awake, in an attempt to just rest my body, to let my body at least feel the slightest bit better. 

My smoking habit has worsened, I lay there staring at the roof, smoking cigarette after cigarette. The nights are sometimes the worst, I feel alone when everyone is asleep and I can't even talk to someone, so I bath, I shower, I get up and paint. Showering four times a day gets boring after a while, I just don't know what to do with myself, as I am now out of transport I can't exactly get up and drive until I feel like my brain has calmed down enough for me to sleep properly. 

The depression has started kicking in badly. 

The depression worsens the insomnia, the insomnia worsens the depression, I walk, but sometimes my body is just too tired to do so. So when I am at work I run and spin tables, so by the time I get home my mind is hopefully numb and still, and my body aches. I love my work, I love that rush, that energy that I get, that makes me feel like a buzzing bee. I think my work is pretty much my life and will be for a long time. I can't work in places where I can't be busy, where I sit all day, I need to be up and on my feet busy all the time. It is really sometimes the only thing that helps me sleep. 

I hope I get to feel real sleep sometime soon, or I might just really go insane. 

I have set myself some new goals.

 I am looking into TEFL (teach English as a foreign language) again. Maybe I will be in Cambodia, make some money, get a better lifestyle. 

I want to start writing again, poetry, thoughts, whatever. 

See new places. 

Get my photography work up and running, get myself organised and making my passion my life. 

I am going find meaning in my life, and give myself something to be proud of. 

Small town syndrome

I have come to realize in this world there is a political hierarchy in everything.

It is not about what you know, it is about who you know

I have heard that time and time again.

It doesn't matter w-hat situation, friends, work, entertainment, all of it is based around this notion that you know someone that knows someone. Blah blah.
I don't see why it has to be like that, I think that we should live in a world where you get a job based on experience, training, and knowledge. That if you would like to be friends with someone you should be friends not just because you know someone they know. That you should be able to walk into a club/bar/restaurant because you worked your ass off to pay for what ever it is that you want to buy. Why do you have to know someone?
It makes life that little bit harder, especially if you have relocated. Everyone is so concerned about the whowhos and whatwhats of the world that they forget to look at the little things. I think people need to just stop, stand still, look up at the sky and think "What am I doing on Earth? What is it that I need to do? Am I the best I can be?" 

And they need to be honest with themselves! 

I know it is not easy! Trust me I know that much! I have only just learnt how to do that! 

I have sat stuck in thought for hours at a time, with a house filled with snores and sleeping beings. Just thinking about life and my situation, it is so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes! 

I discovered that I have several issues with myself, small issues that cause the biggest problems! I learnt how to be patient and that if I want something done properly I need to still my mind and think. I shouldn't just jump into something so brashly and rude. 

Look at the Great wall of China, that wasn't built in a day, it took time, patience and hard work. If you are to build a house l, you get everything you need before you begin, everything is like that in life. Everything needs to be thought of slowly and carefully. The small things. 

It's the small things that count. 

A chink in the armour. 

Though sometimes the risk of jumping into something blind is worth it, it teaches you resistance and builds your immune system, your figurative one. 

I don't know. 

I suppose you have to fall, stumble, crumble, and wobble sometimes to get right back up and fight for what is right. 

Small town syndrome is a plague and a disease. 

"I can see again!"

Honeybee is over the ocean on her way to New Zealand, she will land in the next hour or two.  She is crossing 11 time zones or has already crossed ten and will be going into the 11th one.

I have butterflies in my tummy, She will be back in three weeks. :-) Its not that long.

I am keeping busy, I am keeping myself busy. I need to be busy or I'll go insane. I just need to be busy doing normal things, like a normal person. Otherwise my brain starts to hurt. I might go for a drive and just concentrate on that. I have done my WELL over due washing, and I need to hang that up, I need to shower, I need to eat.

I have seen how people react to a loved one dying and I have never been able to know what to do and how to console them, I have never known what I could do to help them. I now understand that when you lose a loved one, you don't know, yourself, what to do, how to act, react, be, you don't know where you want to be or what you want to do, you just don't know. Or at least that is how I am feeling. I don't know if I want to scream or cry, or just rock myself to sleep the day away. I don't know if I want to eat or if I just want to drink coffee until I puke. I'm angry the one minute, the next I'm a blubbering snotty mess. Or I'm just quiet and calm. Is this how it is supposed to feel?
I just want to be left alone on my own, then I just want to be held and consoled. I can't make my mind up.

I don't even want to think about dealing with this for the next few weeks, I just can't wait until Ash is back, maybe then I will feel a little more whole.  Right now though, I feel sore, raw, hurt, angry, and sad. I feel a tycoon of emotions, they are buzzing like hornets getting ready to swoop down and tackle the stupid creature that disturbed their hive. They well up and then they die down, just when I am about to snap and bark like a rabid dog, they melt away and send me howling to a corner with my face trembling and my breath catching in my throat, snot dribbling miserably. And I don't care what people in the street think of me, they might think I'm insane but I'm just trying to cope. I now realize that when someone you love dies, there is nothing you can do, its like driving in a car on an icy road, when you hit a patch of ice and the car starts to skid out of control, you just have to let go, and let the car do its own thing. You just have to close your eyes and let the car take its course. Hell, it's scary, your teeth chatter and your legs feel numb and weak, but you just have to keep your mind from slipping into darkness, keep it in the light and you'll make it out and live to see another day. Just don't let death control you, don't give in.

That is the way I see it right now, maybe it will change in an hour, I don't know. We will see.

Missing two people right now. It just ain't right. 


I just want to sleep in the bed I've become accustomed to, in the room with windows, where I can breathe, where I feel okay, because I know that in three weeks I won't have to sleep alone in that bed, I know I will be able to roll over and there will be this beautiful person next to me, with her twitchy shoulder and her olive breath. I will be able to turn back on my side and wiggle closer, even when she is dead asleep she knows me, and puts her arm around me, you know sometime I wake in the middle of the night and she is there and its almost as if we are in sync, she will wake up at the same time and kiss my shoulder blade or my cheek, squeeze me softly and snuggle back into her pillow and carry on sleeping. I know that I will see her in three weeks but I just wish I had her with me now. I just want to lay in that bed in that open room with the red curtains and peek over the covers when she pulls the curtains open and flashes that cheeky grin. When she calls me 'Sleepy-one' and lays next to me letting me wake up and when she smooths out my wild eyebrows and tells me not to frown. I never knew I could miss someone this much. I never knew it was possible.

I feel like there is a vast chasm inside my soul, and it will swallow me whole from the inside out. My brain is getting ready to just stop working for a while. I have been watching movies I got from Ash's house and I saw a chick with the same tattoo on her arm, the same one Ash has, and I just wanted her here with me even more, she only left yesterday, and I'm this blubbery and snotty, and weepy. 

When I got that phone call yesterday, I missed the first two calls I was busy smoking on the balcony getting my head on right, trying not to think about Ash leaving for three long friggin' weeks half way around the world. Music blearing, some shit I wasn't even paying attention to, I turned around, because I heard my lady walking around in the house behind me, it was her, she was there and something just wasn't right, she looked at me and said "Your mom is calling."  I think she knew what was going to happen before I did, she somehow knew what I was about to hear. I was going to hear something HORRENDOUS. I missed the call, the third one, I phoned my mom back, the line  was busy, I disconnected and there she phoned me. She phoned me and don't know exactly what she said but I knew what had happened. I don't remember if I said anything back, I don't even remember the music stopping behind me, I just know is that Ash was there and she held me while I howled and snotted and yelped into her and on her, I know she went and got me tissue and just held me, not saying anything, just knowing how to handle me, what to do. She was there for me, with me, sharing my pain and my agony, giving me the energy to stand up, the strength to just pull myself right and to get myself moving so I could see her off.
I needed her there and she was there, I don't know what I would have done had I been alone and with her in Kiwiland already. I don't know. I've got this big ball of soreness. This big ball of hurt and I just want to burst it. 

 I miss my Nanie too, but that is a whole other subject that I don't want to think about, not yet, it's too sore. 
I feel like my heart has been sanded down and is raw, like its been sandblasted and handed back to me, it wants to burst, to overflow and to just rest for a while. 

I will write more later, it helps. 
It helps. 

Life, and the sky.

So, I think life is looking up. 
I have applied for jobs, and I am getting responses! Which is amazing! 

I just got my college results back, slightly disappointing but it is a MAJOR improvement from last year. I got a C in Film Studies, and D for English Literature (2nd year), Drama and Theatre studies, and Sociology. I'm happy I passed. Even if it I just scraped through. 

I have two interviews today and had a phone type of interview this morning, so someone must like me.. I do however think it is all down to the fact that I have a rather elusive, mysterious CV, and the fact that it looks awesome, Thank you mooma. I don't know. I think I am just panicking and freaking out internally. 

I suppose I should just breathe and carry on breathing. I have to walk just now to get to the first in person interview of the day. With a stiff bum and shoulder blades, Pilates is not really for the feint hearted! Then I have another 40 minute walk to the other job interview which I have to take slowly as I do NOT WANT TO ROCK UP THERE SWEATY AND DISGUSTING! 

I am going for my dreams and am working towards being a photographer and a career in Videography. So I am getting somewhere in life and I am happy. I am working with my uncle and learning how to fix bikes, I'm investing in that industry so I have a lot going for me. 

Not only am I happy career/job wise but I am happy with my love life too. I am happy to say that I am in an AWESOME relationship with an AWESOME lady. Ashleigh and I are super happy, this past weekend we went away, we went camping. The first time in my life I have ever been camping and I enjoyed it thoroughly! Ash took loads of photos too! I am HAPPY!!!!!! And that is all that matters at the end of the day, nothing else. 

Anyway I better skedaddle, otherwise I will end up making a rather shitty impression by being late for a job interview. 
Till next time. 
xxxxxx
F  

P.s Here's a pic or two from the camping trip. 

The best weekend I have had in a seriously long time. 

Our nicknames.
Ashleigh is Buffy and seeing as people cannot pronounce my name it has become Fone. :) 

Fire Fairy. 

The bonfire was AWESOME! 

Happiness and ice-cream scented HoneyBee's

I've been busy busy busy, like a bee.
I have started taking photographs and working with two photographers. I've also started fixing bikes with my uncle Jaques. He is teaching me a heck of a lot of stuff about bikes, tomorrow I go for my bike learners test. and and anddddd, I have this awesome HoneyBee in my life, I have a girlfriend, worth bragging about.

So, life is moving on fast here in the beautiful, sunny South Coast.
I hope, I know, and I believe that life is getting better and better, not to mention I will probably be the only chick mechanic in this town.

I am pursuing my dreams of happiness, freedom, and having a career of my own. I need to be independent, I need that in my life and I'm going for it with a force like no other. I am HAPPY.

I think with the motivation that I have found I will get further than I have been getting so far in my life.
My writing is all scatty and scattered, my brain isn't on writing at the moment, its on another planet and it is being kept busy busy busy with all these things I need to do.


xxxx
F

T.I.A - This is Africa.

I arrived at my grandmothers house in the back of a truck listening to Reverend Horton Heat wearing the clothing I left England in. My head was fuzzy with sleep and my body ached from laying in a tiny cramped position. Feet were still swollen  from flying.

I saw my gran and my uncle. I wanted out of the damned car, waiting for the guy that drove us to open the door was just torture. I really just wanted to get out of the car before I began clawing my way out. It had been nearly two years since I had seen the huge shoulders and clump of grey hair that is my gran. I had missed that smell of perfume and cigarettes. That hug that only my gran knows how to deliver. My uncle was there too. Just as silly and crazy as he had been the last time I saw him, only a little larger with shorter hair.

Next with bags unloaded and being shlept up the path into the big house, my great gran stood at the little gate in the house (the one that stops the dogs from going to the other side of the house. She stood there with her wrinkles and her calm, beautiful face. She had aged only a little since I last saw her. I remember her face so well I used to see it in passing by ladies when I missed her in England, I'd see the pink color of her old nail polish on wrinkled hands and my heart would ache. My greatgran, with her slightly hunched back and her stick-skinny legs stood there with the hood of her jumper up, strings tied under her chin, and her face lit up and beamed as we came in and hugged her, kisses for each cheek and one for her lips. I missed her more than anything. I am glad she is still alive and kicking.

I don't think I can leave Africa again until I no longer have my greatgran to visit. I've missed her so much. Her papery skin and the beautiful wrinkles that mark her out as a lifelong smoker. She told me she ha been smoking since the age of 17. She even moaned at me for not having a cigarette tin to keep my shitty roll-ups in. She is a great believer in class and poise, one must carry oneself with respect and have ladylike manners,  I always get a telling off for the metal I put in my face but I don't mind so much, it reminds me of who my greatgran is and how important she is to me. I love her lots.


I will write more another time.
xxxxx
F

Rap Music.

Lately I have been stuck on rap music. I guess the rap of old is much better than the rap of to day.
There is a lot of anger and aggression presented within the lyrics of old rap..

I have been writing a few rhymes myself,  ( now, I am in no way or form suggesting that I am a rapper or can rap at all for that matter, I just happen to enjoy rap and writing rhymes), the stuff I have been writing is seeped with anger and aggression at the place I am living in. I have been sitting down and just forming lines in my head to the point of where I'll say them aloud and they sound like they are sickinsane, the words themselves are innocent but put together they are angry and pissed off.

To say that I am simply saying the words would be a lie, I am in fact spitting them, they hit hard, rough and fast. It is almost as if I can see why or how people like Dr Dre, Biggy Smalls, Nas, and Tupac have written such horrendously angry rhymes, I can see where the lines have come from, I can see where they were formed, from the anger of the place that they are living in, from the anger that they feel over the situations that the might have been in at the time.  There have been times when words just flow through me and take over my mind, those times have been times when I just cannot bare to do anything but write the lines spinning in my mind down and put them to the test.

With old school rap there is feeling and emotion, stories, lives, and situations thrown into the mix. With the rap of today there is a lot of rubbish, a lot of sex and drugs, raps with no real sustenance. There is no real feeling in the words, they lack empathy, they are just lacking in general. I can't listen to it without feeling bored to death. Although that cannot be said for all modern rap. Some of it is good, some of it has a lot going for it. Such as Kendrick Lamar, Drake, and of course Eminem.

Anyway just a little musing of mine.

xxxx
F