Waistcoats.

All I really want right now happens to be a beautiful waistcoat (like the one I will post below) a massive mug of coffee, avocados, paper and a heck of a lot of cigarettes.

Where can I find a waist coat like this?!?!? 

Or one like this! 

Seriously, I need LOADS of waistcoats in my life. There is nothing better than wearing a waistcoat. Seriously, some women want fancy undies or killer heels or some awesome shaping waist thingy. All I want is a few pairs of some kicking baggy jeans, converse or all saints, a couple of dress shirts, some tank tops, a few pairs of camos or just plain combats and a collection of waistcoats, some blazers and massive hoodies and jackets to go over, not to mention waistcoats. UNF

Seriously that is my choice of clothing. I am never more comfortable when I am in a pair of kickin' jeans with a tank top and a chunky hoodie, or when I am wearing a dress shirt and jeans with some military boots or my all saints. And I am always feeling GREAT in a waist coat. I guess I just don't suit a dress properly or am overly comfortable in them, when I do wear dresses I am constantly aware of the fact. I like me in a dress I like wearing them, I guess I am just more comfortable being in something I could climb a tree in..
I am yet to try the waistcoat-jean-dress combination. Maybe that will work?
Who knows... Will have to give it a go and try to make it work I suppose.
I don't know I guess at the moment I am struggling with who I am. I know what I like and I am just trying to find my comfort zone, it is proving difficult but I am not giving up.


xxxxxx
F

Goodbye and Godbless.

It feels like you're trying to suppress me.
Your facial expressions used to impress me,
You depress me.

Look at this mess I'm in.
I feel like I'm festering,
Thoughts of you are just pestering.

Go on undress.
You're useless,
When I'm not under duress.

I confess,
You're the mess.
Goodbye and God bless.

Festering, Pestering, Mess.
Goodbye and God bless.

Your artificial fingers wrap around my neck,
I feel your muscles begin to flex.
My mind is starting to depress.

At times you are my Goddess,
other times you turn into ancient succubus.
Haunting my dreams, cold sweat drenched sheets.

Sickness....

I feel sick
I feel sick.

My ears don't even want music.

I must be sick.
I must be sick.

My eyes don't even want art.

I am sick.
I am sick.

I want a Cocoon,
A bed under the Moon..
To go dipping in a beautiful Lagoon.
Time fly, time fly away and bring me my moon soon.

I want to feel the sun kiss my neck,
Lick my toes,
Stain my skin,
like tomatoes flying out of a tin.
I want to lay outside, in the sun filled with decadent sin.

I just want to feel my skin.
I just want to hear sweet songs.
I just want to see art.
and not feel like I'm about to barf.

OFTD; casual, awkward. For once I shrunk my jeans and stained my t-shirts blue in the wash.,

I think it is  universal thing that when women get older they become worse at washing clothing.
Last night I did a load of washing and turned two of my white shirts blue (this is why I don't really own or wear white, if it doesn't go blue or pink in the wash it will be stained with coffee or something.) and I have shrunk a pair of jeans, I haven't put any of the other jeans on yet so maybe it is an isolated case, probably not, but they now actually fit me better than they did before and have a slightly aged look with faded bits and the back bottom hem on each leg having lost color entirely. Bare in mind they are black jeans.
Anyhoo. My jeans actually fit my ass now and I don't have to deal with yanking them up or sorting out awkward folds when wearing a belt.
Back to college for a month before sodding back off on holiday. A month of college, I think that is what makes this term so looked forward to. After this month of college it is two weeks of holiday. Seriously, can I go for one week and come back the following. I might die of boredom.

So today's look.

 grey strappy top tucked into my ever so shrunken black jeans.

Accompanied by a Grey stripey cardigan that looks a little like Kurt Cobain's one. 

Which creates this look. 

Awkward and nerdy. 

Paired with some green canvas kicks and a funky super colored scarf (that seems to argue a strong point for 

octopuses of the scene movement) and an awesome over sized brown soft canvas jacket that is cut rather Russian military style and I am ready to head back to the insane asylum that is college. 

Enjoy your day folks. I have to finish getting my ass together and ready to face teachers and a hoard of people I cannot stand, there is one thing that I am looking forward to, that would be the fact that Jess and I get to go kick it, I get to see loads of other people that don't make my skin crawl. Whoop. 

Laters people.

Time to get my social gene out on and dash my daily shroud of antisocial feelings, oh an I need to firmly ram my learner cap on. 

Otis Redding - I've Been Loving You Too Long.

I love this song so much. In fact Otis Redding is AMAZING period. His voice in this song reminds me of Janis Joplin singing 'Summertime'
Ugh, such a good jam, seriously. Makes you want to sing-along even if you REALLY cannot sing (like me)

The decadent, rich, dark skinned Goddess that has taken my life and transforms it into utter joy when she is present.....

Coffee, Coffee my love.

Je ferais mieux d'aller choisir mon vocabulaire 

Pour te plaire  

Dans la langue de Moliere

                                                               ~ Charles Aznavour

Over the last few years I have had several shifts in diet and taste, especially with regards to coffee.. From what I gather a lot of the people that I have spoken to about coffee, many of them have pretty much said that

1. They like coffee.
2. They hated it or disliked it as a kid.
3. They will drink any old coffee. 
4. A lot of them prefer a Caffè latte over an Americano.
5. Many prefer milky coffee that isn't overly strong.

These past few years I have refined my taste in coffee. I used to like milky saccharin coffee, which at the same time as being milky was damn strong. Since I kicked the milk bucket and dare touch the stuff the world of coffee has opened up and shown itself. Even before I turned vegan I stopped drinking milk in coffee. It tastes more like coffee without milk added in, milk of any kind, soya, almond, oat, cow, goat, I don't care I will never pollute my coffee with that stuff ever again. 

As Jimmy Urine once churned out in Mindless Self Indulgence's song "Shut Me Up" 

I like my coffee black just like my metal. 

Coffee and avocados, I adore these two things in this world a heck of a lot more than I even like most people.

I have over the last year and a bit learnt that just as you can burn tea you too can burn coffee, then it tastes like shit when it is burnt not to mention it stinks. It is kinda like when you watch American films and they are in a cop station and the big bellied cop grumbles and grunts about cop house coffee when dealing with a visitor to the station, I'd imagine that it is like that, or if you stop off at a garage to fill up your car and go inside to pay and walk out with an over priced cup of swill that passes for petrol station coffee. Trust me, it takes a while for your nose and taste buds to be able to pick up on the burnt factor of your coffee. Leave percolated coffee out for a minute. I am talking instant coffee. The coffee I drink at home is instant but I have a soft spot for expensive instant, Nescafe instant espresso, Oh my I adore the coffee.

I have learnt that the water should not be boiling, it should also not be lukewarm, you can hear it when the kettle is on, that point where the amalgamation of heat and water starts getting to a catharsis, when the water is just starting to vigorously bubble but is not boiling violently while chuffing out scalding steam. It must be gently bubbling, NOT boiling. Quickly flick the kettle off when it gets to that point. If you miss it don't worry. let the water cool slightly or pop the kettle open and add some cold water. Then you add it to the mug that contains the powder that only god could have created, that is how not to burn coffee. You'll get the hang of it. I have known for a really long time now that you can burn tea, again with the use of boiling water, but some tea needs to be 'burnt' such as green tea. The hotter the water with green tea the more antioxidants and good stuff it lets out, seriously, Green tea and coffee are like the holy waters of my life.

I would love to walk around smelling like coffee all day, I love coffee, coffee cake, the smell of coffee, the texture of coffee beans, the flavor, the everything. I LOVE COFFEE. If you ever want to make me happy, like really happy, show up at my house with amazing coffee, a kitten, films, Vegan ice-cream or cake, and Vegan falafel or a bunch of avocados and popcorn. That is what makes me seriously super happy. Coffee.

Oh and technically coffee comes from a little shrub, Coffea, which has growing upon it Coffee berries, the berries are picked when ripe, the seeds within them dried before they are roasted  and ground, then the ground mush is brewed and transformed in to a fabulous dark skinned goddess in a mug. That brings happiness, love, and warmth to those who appreciate her full body aroma and decadent flavor.

xxxxxx
F

My never ending cycle of hair dos....

Over the last 7 years I have had a fair few hairstyles that have induced people to touch my hair or my head without even asking me if it would be okay.
The first one was when I had my hair cut into a Mohawk, a few years ago. I can remember walking around with it up and little kids being absolutely gobsmacked, old people tutting and shaking their heads in dismay. People asked me questions such as

'How do you sleep with it up?'

'How did you get it up like that?' 

 They were absolutely amazed,. even more so because half of my hair was a golden orange color, kind of like rust and the other half was black. So two tone mohawk that stood at a gravity defying 25 something cm and it got longer as my hair grew. My grandfather hated it. ABSOLUTELY HATED IT...

A few weeks hair growth on the sides. and you can see the gold color I was talking about earlier.

At Dominion, with Dready Will and my momma and Carlos. 

The last night we spent out in Dublin. At like 5am in burger king toilets. 

The next hair style that induced people to touching my hair and asking me a shit load of questions were my beloved dreads. I have never seen such pandemonium in the hair world as I have when I did my dreads. The questions people asked me were absolutely absurd.

Do you wash your hair?

Do you have lice?

How do you brush your hair?

Do you brush your hair?

Is it a wig?

Do you smoke weed?

Are you a rasta?

Does it smell?

Why did you do that to your hair?

Are you going to shave your hair off when you don't want them?

I think I caught several people touching my dreads thinking I can't feel them petting the stuff connected to my head. It used to be amusing when people tried to touch my hair or even asked me if they could touch it. Some people approached touching my hair as if it was going to jump up and bite them, with such gentleness and  amazement, it was amazing to watch. It was like some of the people that asked to touch my hair were scared of hurting it, some stroked my dreads others full on yanked on my hair. It was amazing, as if I had a whole new species of creature on my head. They took a really long time to put in and a lot of effort to maintain, I will have dreads again at some point in my life.

A few days after I sat for hours and did my dreads one by one.

A few months old here, I had all sorts of colors in them and  beads and silver cuffs.

Here the colors are evident. :) 

The next hairstyle to rock the boat was when I shaved all of my hair off and opted for a bald look. I am not going into reasons why, but I love it. It was an invigorating experience. I would totally recommend it to anyone. I shaved it all off with a razor and have been maintaining the look for roughly a month now. I don't feel like growing my hair out. I like waking up with a head that feels like the rough side of Velcro. The questions and remarks I get are mostly out of shock. For some reason a lot of guys have never seen a girl shave off all of her hair. It is an absolute shock to them. don't ask me why but they just can't seem to get over it. It amuses me. I get a shite load of looks and stares and whispers but it doesn't bother me. I usually look at the whispering culprit and smile a big fat cheeky grin, it usually shuts them up or at least reduces their cheeks to red flushing poppy skirts. I get told my head feels like and reminds people of a hairless cat. A lot of people can't resist touching and feeling my head. Some have even rubbed my belly, something to do with me looking like a skinny Buddha, don't ask me. I get a lot of remarks such as 'scrambled egg.' 'cancer victim' 'egg head' 'chrome dome' 'can I polish your head in summer?' 'it is Easter soon, you know? You look ready for Easter!' It is amusing to me. People just cannot fathom change on such a large scale. Most girls cry at the thought of even snipping off a few dead ends, and here I go an shave off all of my dreads that I spent hours making and putting in place and spent oodles of money on. No, I did not have lice or nits, I needed a change in my life, a big enough one... I have one dread saved the rest I threw away. Anyway here is the result.

Today's look. :)

Summer seems to be slowly seeping in. It is my momma's birthday today, so the sun is out and happy to be out. :)
it is still slightly chilly but there is at least sunshine.
Hopefully my birthday will be spent in Cape Town soaking up the sun, with water temperatures of about 15 degrees. :D
Here in dreary England it is warm enough to wear a Playsuit and tights with a light jacket.
I have lost enough weight that the Playsuit doesn't fit properly anymore, but all is well. I will safety pin it in place. :D

With the jacket done up. I am also wearing an Evil Fairy Hoodie underneath for a little bit more warmth.  Oh and I am going for the no make-up look today. :) 

PlaySuit has tiny little butterfly like bugs on it.. I am wearing All Saints shoes that are green  (the same color as my jacket.) and ankle length.   :) 

Ignore the crappy quality and appreciate the greatness that is All Saints. These are canvas and totally Vegan :D which means that they are pretty damn awesome.

The Playsuit comes from Primark, I think it cost me £8.

The tights I got in Ireland for around 4Euro.

Socks were a Christmas present from years ago, they are stripey and colorful :D and come up to my knees but I have them folded over and short for today. 

The Hoodie is from a shop in St.Stephens Green, in Dublin, called Asha, I bought it years ago and it cost me around about 50Euro. 

The jacket is a plain simple one by a brand called Hooch that was bought off of Ebay for £2.50 and the shoes are also from Ebay. :) Most of my clothing is years old.. I own very few items of clothing that are brand-new, most of it is also from charity shops. I will miss raiding charity shops when I move to SA, like big time.

xxxxx 

              F 

Birthdays

 Tomorrow it is my momma's birthday. It is amazing to think that this time 19 years ago I was floating around in my momma's womb.

Happy day Momma. We have been through a lot, good times and bad times alike. Here is to another 19 years, and another 19 after that, by then you will be 74 years old and still be awesome. :D 

Tonight is going to be a busy one. I need to make cake and need to make it awesome. :D 

SO there will be loads of baking to do and a lot of effort put into these cakes. HOPEFULLY they will come out looking just as good as the ones my mom makes for our birthdays, I doubt it, but it is the though that counts.
20 minutes making Lemon and Poppy Seed (vegan) muffins
another 30 minutes making Sponge Cake which turned into radioactive Lemmings.
and 45 minutes on Malva pudding.

in total I have spent over two hours baking. I feel like sleeping... tomorrow I make sauce for malva pudding.
Hopefully my mom can drink her jell-o shots, and not be able to taste her cakes. :?
I like the poppy and lemon muffins, they are superfly.
:D
Phew, baking takes a lot of effort and love.. Maybe the love that was put in can outshine the shitty taste of flour and sugar that have been shoved into a pan and baked to death. I guess that is what baking is, mixing a whole heap of stuff together and hoping that you put enough effort and love into it for it to taste pretty Ace.

xxxx
F

Again Capitalism.

Does a meritocracy really exist? or is it just made up by the 'bourgeoisie' to placate the masses?

Is there really any equality in human beings? I am all for equality, but I am also for working to earn your keep and that hard work means you keep what you earn, in other words if you haven't worked for it then it is not yours. 

Presently learning about Marxism I can honestly say that I agree with many of the ideas and theories behind it. 

The superstructure and the economic base is one of those theories that I believe in. The superstructure being the media, religion, family, culture, etc.. The economic base is related to the employer-employee work conditions, division of labor and property etc. It has been said that the superstructure promotes the economic base, which we can see everyday, everywhere we go, advertisements trying (and in a lot of cases succeeding) to sell you shit you DO NOT NEED. The latest perfume from Kim Kardashian is a must have, something you 'cannot live without'. The latest and greatest phone that allows you to call your grandma while you're on the loo, in an aeroplane 5000 miles in the sky, flying to space. Just as ridiculous as that might sound to you the act of buying useless items that are supposed to benefit and enrich your life yet they serve only as a replacement for the limbs you already have and are just slowly learning to forget how to use because of the use of these strange new technological advancements. Ones that allow you to pick up a telly remote that is five feet away from you yet you can't be bothered to get up and fetch it your self. 

The superstructure in a sense is becoming an advocate of laziness and gluttony. This then relates to the economic base, the economic base is the driving force that supplies the products that the superstructure promotes. See it is all related., 

Going back to meritocracy, meritocracy is where we are sold the idea that if you do certain things you will get things, such as getting an education and going to university will get you a brilliant job. No, actually it doesn't work like that. Some people are not capable of going to university or not willing to do so. Those people are told that they will not get anywhere in life without university. If you work hard then you can progress in life, you don't need a fancy degree. 

Maybe I am just overly grouchy and sensitive about the subject.

I'm still bald, I am starting to like this look a lot. I doubt I will be growing my hair back anytime soon.

Films, stories and hopes.

Discussions in lessons are sometimes the most interesting things, that I have started looking forward to.

There are are certain themes present in each lesson that crop up most of the time. For sociology it seems to be feminism, children, sexuality and how much I happen to loath functionalism along with the strong dislike for post modernist ideas. Drama and theater studies is another question entirely, at the moment it is a sore subject. :P 

English ALWAYS produces debates of a MAJOR LEVEL, it is always an invigorating experience.  

However, Film studies is probably my favorite discussion based subject at the moment. I think the fact that I now have this wide stage to discuss films with people on a technical level is just awe inspiring. It feels great to watch a film and sit there and see what could have been improved and what was absolutely brilliant, it is great to know the back bone of the industry and to know about the OLIGOPOLY. (now that is a nice word, a tongue twister but a nice word!) it is refreshing to know how it works and to actually see your favorite film being ripped to shreds and still loving it for all its shitty aspects. 

There is so much to be said for the film industry. I love books wholly and completely, they are an amazing form of story telling compared to the spoken form of story telling, which told by the wrong person can just about put you into a coma of boredom..
 Film takes this to a new level where it takes books or stories from other formats and puts it in to a moving picture with sound, color, and on the odd occasion it is even 3 dimensional and you have a fictional world coming out of a screen at your face. It is so relaxing just to jump into another world for a little while, to feel what other people feel and to see whole new planets, worlds and galaxies come to life before your eyes. It is one of those things where if you are not careful you can become hooked on. I know I am. I absolutely love watching films, sometimes I watch them with a critical eye and sometimes I watch them with out sweating the technical stuff that is a little hard to miss if you study film.

I find it utterly stunning to watch films that I watched as a kid and see how bad the CGI really is, or just sometimes you get this one in a million film from donkeys years ago that is still pretty amazing and awesome for its time. I'd love to make films on that kind of scale.
Maybe someday when I have more time and money on my hands I will get cracking with making a film. I always have oodles of ideas for films floating around in my head... Just have to find the right conditions, time and place.

:) 

Capitalism, ain't no body got time 'fo dat.

Sometimes I have to wonder why the world is so full of capitalism. I think more than anything that is what drives me insane, capitalism. 

Today for example, is Monday and it is the first day of the college week. First lesson was English lit and as I was expecting people asked me about the Harry Potter world trip that I was on last Friday,

you will never guess what happened, I one of the first questions I was asked was 

WHAT DID YOU BUY IN THE SHOP??!! 

Is it just me or is that utterly idiotic? You pay £20 to go on this trip, to LEARN about the industry of the Harry Potter Films and the biggest thing people are concerned about is what you bought and how much money you spent?

I bought a Dark Mark Lolly and a post card, which totaled to £3.38. That was it! I don't see the point in spending my wages on buying a cloak for £80 just because it has a Slytherin badge on it. (Yes, I am in Slytherin, no, not because I'm bald and look like a nosy Voldemort) 

Quite frankly, I can buy a brilliant quality Hooded VELVET Black cloak with a silk green liner for £22 that is Slytherin enough for me. 

And IT IS MUCH BETTER QUALITY AS THEY ARE MADE TO ORDER and not mass produced.

Call me crazy but I prefer quality over capitalist merchandise. 

Conspicuous consumerism, it will eat your brain man. 

capitalism sucks! 

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Soon as I have course work done I will be watching the american version of 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' and then watch the original one and see how they compare.

I suspect that the american one will be totally glamorized and, forgive my language, but shit compared to the original. only time will tell if Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara can win me away from Michael Nyqvist and Noomi Repace. 

Tsotsi.

I have just watched Tsotsi (2005) needless to say I am really impressed with it. I think as I have gotten older my taste in films has drastically changed. I cannot deal with films that are overly violent or disturbing and have a fond spot for films that have a deep and rather beautiful plot, Tsotsi is one of those films I think.

Presley Chweneyagae as Tsotsi with the baby he accidentally kid napped

It is truly rich in story, culture and an expression that is hard to describe. You have this hard nut, hard done by thug, who is nothing but a kid really, and he is the real deal running a little gang, being a big man or as a South African would say a Groot Maan. As the narrative progresses we get glimpses into this buried character, this child that is hidden deep down inside of Tsotsi, a child that had a rough life and it is rather striking to see as that hidden narrative develops a kinder more humane side of him starts shining through. Having responsibility over another human being taught him how to love and to care and to cherish things in life that aught to be cherished. The audience sees this thug become a lost boy, and it is utterly heart breaking. 

I don't know maybe I am just a sensitive person, or maybe I am tired of only seeing the negatives and hoping that somewhere through a crack in the structure sunshine will blaze through. I hope people can change like they are capable of in books and movies. I have that kind of hope, that is my religion, hope. I remember when I was about twelve or so I said to someone 

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment" 

Don't ask where I heard it, I can't remember. I have had a complete change of mind since then. keep hoping,  keep dreaming, keep wishing, you will get to where you need to be. Just never give up.

In the midst of chaos peace will shine through. 

I think I have learnt that today. 

Staying at collage today until 8.30pm. tomorrow night as well. 

will probably bowl into the library and type some stuff up  for English next period. :) 

Skin.

Last week Tuesday I had a momentary lapse and went around the bend a little and cut all my hair off. I chopped my dreads and had it in a short choppy/pixie kind of style.... 

for about 20 minutes that is... It went from cute Agyness Deyn 

Agyness Deyn

To a rather drastic Sinead O'Connor/Amber Rose/Bai Ling bald/shaven head look. 

TADAAAAAA!

I think it suits me, I really like it, :) from something that started off as an act of anger I have found a sense of peace and quiet. I now no longer have to fuss over hair, I have no worries with my hair at all, simply because I have no hair anymore :D 

I honestly feel free without hair, don't ask me why. I just do.

The only thing I have to worry about is whether I will need a hat or not... I live in England so I am bound to need a hat most days. 

Sure. I get some funny looks and some rather strange comments and questions, but it is a little like telling someone you are a vegan, some will question it, others won't, some will like it, some won't.

But that is all fine, I have kept it shaven off for a week now and I like it. 

Much easier than long lush flowing locks, or knotty nappy dreads. 

AND the best bit about having a shaven head, you may ask, If I feel like having long hair I can grow it out or if I have no patience for that I can always wear a wig or a weave. 

Moral of the story: If you feel like doing something drastic or different or trying something new, GO FOR IT. it is rather freeing from the materialistic bonds that seem to glue society together nowadays. 

xxxxx

F