Basically in the last few months there have been A LOT of changes in my life.
- I moved out of my mothers house in October last year (2013)
- I moved in with someone who is now my ex-girlfriend.
- I live with flatmates.
- I am a waitress.
- I no longer work with Tobie (photography/videography) (not talking about this)
- Insomnia is back with vengeance.
- I am growing my hair.
- I hate humans. (self explanatory)
- I am making BIG plans for the future.
ONE&TWO
October, 2013. I moved out of my mooma's house and into Ash's house. Not the finest of ideas, but it actually really helped me A LOT. I learnt a lot of things and why it is better to be single. Seriously. I have come to the conclusion that relationships are burdens, boring when living together, suffocating messes. I discovered my love of being single very quickly in the 3 months of living with my now (thankfully) ex partner.
I discovered that I like going for long drives when I can't sleep, I also like working at night, I also like being able to get up and leave to go on my own adventures for days on end.
I couldn't do those things while being in a relationship, due to the fact that it would have been considered 'unfair'. I also discovered that there is more to life than warming some lonely persons bed.
So no more relationships for a long long while, I have work to do, places to go and things to see.
I don't have time to share with another person, I think I am way too neurotic to even be around most people.
THREE&FOUR
I live with flatmates, first it started off as three of us, Scott, Elvin and I.
Then it became Scott, Elvin, Abby, and I.
Then it was Scott, Elvin, Abby, Kengeliq, and I.
Then it dropped down to Elvin, Kengeliq, and I.
Now it is just Elvin and I.
It has been one big roller-coaster ride of a journey over the last three months. But is has been awesome at times and really frustrating and insane at others. I have made some AMAZING friends in this house, I have also lost some too.
I am out of Warner Beach, one of Toti's biggest shitholes, and I am in a quiet part of town. I work in a more chilled out place. So life is looking up. I am getting out of this smalltown soon though.
Working at RJ's as a waitress is awesome, okay the pay is shitty, but it is MUCH better than bar work in some respects, bar work ages a person.
I was starting to feel old, drinking almost all the time, dealing with drunk people, putting up with nasty remarks and ugly comments day in and day out, working in a bar makes you feel violated at times.
It makes you ugly and cynical, I was starting to lose my mind. Feeling my body literally fade away into feeling almost nothing, it makes you hate people, you become ugly, and you feel old, drained and weary, every person that walks through the door has a problem and they want to make it yours, yet no one even cares about your problems, that weight starts to become heavy to hold so you switch off to it and your customers call you a heartless bitch because you no longer care for listening to their shit and their issues, you start to become detached from life, from the people around you, it sucks. That being said not every barwench feels like that, I did though. I was sick of babysitting assholes all day, of dealing with their marriage problems, when all I wanted to do was scream "I WOULD HAVE DIVORCED YOUR DRUNK, DISGUSTING ASS TOO." at every guy that couldn't understand why his wife left him.
The tips weren't even worth it, regulars hardly ever tip, this town is full of cheapskates and stingy people, the issue of getting tips was becoming a form of prostitution, (no not the sexual kind) where to get a good days tips would mean being sweet as sugar, smiling and batting eyelashes at guys that are revolting and vulgar, it would mean putting up with vile comments and not even frowning a micro millimeter.
Humans SUCK.
BARS SUCK.
SIX&NINE
I can't sleep. I find my mind being bombarded with useless shit constantly. Even when my body is so physically exhausted I still cannot sleep, my brain just won't shut down. When it does and I finally drift off to sleep, I only get an hour to three hours of sleep. Most nights I only get about three hours, over the last four days I have gotten next to nothing. Insomnia is driving me insane.
If I wake up to go to the loo or because I hear something/someone in the garden, it is guaranteed that I will not fall back a sleep, if I wake up I won't be able to sleep again till the next night/morning/afternoon when ever it is that marks the next sleep cycle.
My body is the only hand break that is forcing my brain to shut down and let me drift off. I run around and work myself into a state of physical exhaustion before I can actually fall asleep some nights. Even then that is not quality sleep, it is more like passing out, I wake up from that kind of sleep feeling more exhausted and shitty than I felt before I passed out. The nights when I get no sleep I end up laying in bed for hours wide awake, in an attempt to just rest my body, to let my body at least feel the slightest bit better.
My smoking habit has worsened, I lay there staring at the roof, smoking cigarette after cigarette. The nights are sometimes the worst, I feel alone when everyone is asleep and I can't even talk to someone, so I bath, I shower, I get up and paint. Showering four times a day gets boring after a while, I just don't know what to do with myself, as I am now out of transport I can't exactly get up and drive until I feel like my brain has calmed down enough for me to sleep properly.
The depression has started kicking in badly.
The depression worsens the insomnia, the insomnia worsens the depression, I walk, but sometimes my body is just too tired to do so. So when I am at work I run and spin tables, so by the time I get home my mind is hopefully numb and still, and my body aches. I love my work, I love that rush, that energy that I get, that makes me feel like a buzzing bee. I think my work is pretty much my life and will be for a long time. I can't work in places where I can't be busy, where I sit all day, I need to be up and on my feet busy all the time. It is really sometimes the only thing that helps me sleep.
I hope I get to feel real sleep sometime soon, or I might just really go insane.
I have set myself some new goals.
I am looking into TEFL (teach English as a foreign language) again. Maybe I will be in Cambodia, make some money, get a better lifestyle.
I want to start writing again, poetry, thoughts, whatever.
See new places.
Get my photography work up and running, get myself organised and making my passion my life.
I am going find meaning in my life, and give myself something to be proud of.
