Small town syndrome

I have come to realize in this world there is a political hierarchy in everything.

It is not about what you know, it is about who you know

I have heard that time and time again.

It doesn't matter w-hat situation, friends, work, entertainment, all of it is based around this notion that you know someone that knows someone. Blah blah.
I don't see why it has to be like that, I think that we should live in a world where you get a job based on experience, training, and knowledge. That if you would like to be friends with someone you should be friends not just because you know someone they know. That you should be able to walk into a club/bar/restaurant because you worked your ass off to pay for what ever it is that you want to buy. Why do you have to know someone?
It makes life that little bit harder, especially if you have relocated. Everyone is so concerned about the whowhos and whatwhats of the world that they forget to look at the little things. I think people need to just stop, stand still, look up at the sky and think "What am I doing on Earth? What is it that I need to do? Am I the best I can be?" 

And they need to be honest with themselves! 

I know it is not easy! Trust me I know that much! I have only just learnt how to do that! 

I have sat stuck in thought for hours at a time, with a house filled with snores and sleeping beings. Just thinking about life and my situation, it is so hard to be honest with yourself sometimes! 

I discovered that I have several issues with myself, small issues that cause the biggest problems! I learnt how to be patient and that if I want something done properly I need to still my mind and think. I shouldn't just jump into something so brashly and rude. 

Look at the Great wall of China, that wasn't built in a day, it took time, patience and hard work. If you are to build a house l, you get everything you need before you begin, everything is like that in life. Everything needs to be thought of slowly and carefully. The small things. 

It's the small things that count. 

A chink in the armour. 

Though sometimes the risk of jumping into something blind is worth it, it teaches you resistance and builds your immune system, your figurative one. 

I don't know. 

I suppose you have to fall, stumble, crumble, and wobble sometimes to get right back up and fight for what is right. 

Small town syndrome is a plague and a disease. 

"I can see again!"

Honeybee is over the ocean on her way to New Zealand, she will land in the next hour or two.  She is crossing 11 time zones or has already crossed ten and will be going into the 11th one.

I have butterflies in my tummy, She will be back in three weeks. :-) Its not that long.

I am keeping busy, I am keeping myself busy. I need to be busy or I'll go insane. I just need to be busy doing normal things, like a normal person. Otherwise my brain starts to hurt. I might go for a drive and just concentrate on that. I have done my WELL over due washing, and I need to hang that up, I need to shower, I need to eat.

I have seen how people react to a loved one dying and I have never been able to know what to do and how to console them, I have never known what I could do to help them. I now understand that when you lose a loved one, you don't know, yourself, what to do, how to act, react, be, you don't know where you want to be or what you want to do, you just don't know. Or at least that is how I am feeling. I don't know if I want to scream or cry, or just rock myself to sleep the day away. I don't know if I want to eat or if I just want to drink coffee until I puke. I'm angry the one minute, the next I'm a blubbering snotty mess. Or I'm just quiet and calm. Is this how it is supposed to feel?
I just want to be left alone on my own, then I just want to be held and consoled. I can't make my mind up.

I don't even want to think about dealing with this for the next few weeks, I just can't wait until Ash is back, maybe then I will feel a little more whole.  Right now though, I feel sore, raw, hurt, angry, and sad. I feel a tycoon of emotions, they are buzzing like hornets getting ready to swoop down and tackle the stupid creature that disturbed their hive. They well up and then they die down, just when I am about to snap and bark like a rabid dog, they melt away and send me howling to a corner with my face trembling and my breath catching in my throat, snot dribbling miserably. And I don't care what people in the street think of me, they might think I'm insane but I'm just trying to cope. I now realize that when someone you love dies, there is nothing you can do, its like driving in a car on an icy road, when you hit a patch of ice and the car starts to skid out of control, you just have to let go, and let the car do its own thing. You just have to close your eyes and let the car take its course. Hell, it's scary, your teeth chatter and your legs feel numb and weak, but you just have to keep your mind from slipping into darkness, keep it in the light and you'll make it out and live to see another day. Just don't let death control you, don't give in.

That is the way I see it right now, maybe it will change in an hour, I don't know. We will see.

Missing two people right now. It just ain't right. 


I just want to sleep in the bed I've become accustomed to, in the room with windows, where I can breathe, where I feel okay, because I know that in three weeks I won't have to sleep alone in that bed, I know I will be able to roll over and there will be this beautiful person next to me, with her twitchy shoulder and her olive breath. I will be able to turn back on my side and wiggle closer, even when she is dead asleep she knows me, and puts her arm around me, you know sometime I wake in the middle of the night and she is there and its almost as if we are in sync, she will wake up at the same time and kiss my shoulder blade or my cheek, squeeze me softly and snuggle back into her pillow and carry on sleeping. I know that I will see her in three weeks but I just wish I had her with me now. I just want to lay in that bed in that open room with the red curtains and peek over the covers when she pulls the curtains open and flashes that cheeky grin. When she calls me 'Sleepy-one' and lays next to me letting me wake up and when she smooths out my wild eyebrows and tells me not to frown. I never knew I could miss someone this much. I never knew it was possible.

I feel like there is a vast chasm inside my soul, and it will swallow me whole from the inside out. My brain is getting ready to just stop working for a while. I have been watching movies I got from Ash's house and I saw a chick with the same tattoo on her arm, the same one Ash has, and I just wanted her here with me even more, she only left yesterday, and I'm this blubbery and snotty, and weepy. 

When I got that phone call yesterday, I missed the first two calls I was busy smoking on the balcony getting my head on right, trying not to think about Ash leaving for three long friggin' weeks half way around the world. Music blearing, some shit I wasn't even paying attention to, I turned around, because I heard my lady walking around in the house behind me, it was her, she was there and something just wasn't right, she looked at me and said "Your mom is calling."  I think she knew what was going to happen before I did, she somehow knew what I was about to hear. I was going to hear something HORRENDOUS. I missed the call, the third one, I phoned my mom back, the line  was busy, I disconnected and there she phoned me. She phoned me and don't know exactly what she said but I knew what had happened. I don't remember if I said anything back, I don't even remember the music stopping behind me, I just know is that Ash was there and she held me while I howled and snotted and yelped into her and on her, I know she went and got me tissue and just held me, not saying anything, just knowing how to handle me, what to do. She was there for me, with me, sharing my pain and my agony, giving me the energy to stand up, the strength to just pull myself right and to get myself moving so I could see her off.
I needed her there and she was there, I don't know what I would have done had I been alone and with her in Kiwiland already. I don't know. I've got this big ball of soreness. This big ball of hurt and I just want to burst it. 

 I miss my Nanie too, but that is a whole other subject that I don't want to think about, not yet, it's too sore. 
I feel like my heart has been sanded down and is raw, like its been sandblasted and handed back to me, it wants to burst, to overflow and to just rest for a while. 

I will write more later, it helps. 
It helps.