These little bursts of anger are so hard to contain, 

I struggle with self restraint.

I want a cigarette. 

I want a cigarette.

I think I will go walk a while. 

feel like walking between isles. 

or maybe even for miles. 

I have been pestering myself and being an utter ninny.

I think I am being an utter ninny with myself. 

For a while now I have battled with this inner kind of war zone. I have been super confused with who I am and who I identify as. I have been eaten up from the inside with regards to who I am. I often would sit there and look at things I thought I liked and realize I actually don't like them. 

I had this feeling, I have had it for as long as I can remember, I don't remember a time not feeling it. I am so enthralled with it, this feeling, of passion and pure decadence. 

There is no other way of putting it, so I will be blunt, I think I am gay.

I have sat and evaluated this carefully. I have come to the following conclusions:

• I do not find myself sexually attracted to men.     
• I am sexually attracted to women.
• I feel more comfortable with the thought of being with one.
• I feel right about this.
• I am happier kissing women than men. 
• While I might find some men attractive, it does not mean that they are my type.
• I like women, a lot. 

Maybe all of this doesn't make me gay, maybe it makes me confused or hormonal, whatever the case maybe I am happy with being me. I am happy being gay, confused, straight, bent, curved, zig-zaged, whatever else a person can be, I am just happy to be me. For now though I am sure that I am gay, for those of you who don't understand it when the term gay is applied to women, Lesbian is another way of putting it.        

I don't know, Am I gay?

Sorrow and Sadness with a dash of Hope and Faith.

Granddad and I in 2011. 

It is amazing how just a few words can impact you. Earlier on this evening my dad told me that my grandfather has cancer, for him it is serious. I read that sentence and I got up and walked to the living room with not a single thought in my head, I felt numb, I stood in the door way, in my pink dressing gown and grey ankle socks and looked at my mum on her laptop and told her, and the tears started tickling my eyelashes. She hugged me and I just wanted to sob. I still do. 

I have never known death, not really, not until now. I know I have heard of other family members being ill and on their way to a life that is not on this plain. I have just never felt any kind of attachment to it. I don't think I would have had this kind of reaction to it on normal circumstances. I feel guilty, upset and utterly horrible. My grandfather is ill and I feel so horrible. I can sit here and say now that there are some people in my family that can die and I wouldn't feel half as sad and upset as I do now. I feel this way because I feel that if he passes away now he will pass without knowing how much I really do love him and care about him and how sorry I am that the last time I saw him we were fighting about shit that is not even important. If he passes now, he would be going without knowing that I really love him more than he knows and I respect and love him and am proud to be his granddaughter. 

This realization has made me realize how precious my family are to me, how I need to make amends and say sorry for all the shit I put them through and for the things that I am utterly sorry for. I just want them to know that I love them more than they could ever possibly imagine. 

All I can do now is hope and hope and have faith that my grandfather will be alright and okay. I just want to see him again and tell him how much he means to me, even though we have our differences.

Dreams of the future...

I don't think I have ever emailed so many people in my entire life as I have today, It is fun though. 

This is my facial expression when looking at flats to rent, and all of the weird real estate jargon is thrown if for good measure and I understand nothing of it. 

WTF does all of this mean?!?!

Oh dear. It will all be good. I feel good about this, better about it than I have felt about a lot of things lately. 

I think I have just been so caught up in the "what-if" part of it all that I started to despair, I got so caught up in trying to figure it all out in my head at once that I lost focus and stopped trying because it became a little to hard for me to even concentrate on anything properly. I am taking it step by step now. Organizing my thoughts, feelings and needs mentally, prioritizing. 

I feel more positive that this is what I want to do, this is what I can do, and what I am good at. I enjoy sticking needles in people and putting bits of metal in their skin and making them look friggin' fantastic. That is what I am good at! It is what I love. When I was small there were few things that stood out to me career wise, piercing, tattooing, the army, F1 driver, biker (and some other things that are not important as I cannot remember them) I am finally pursuing my ideal job of becoming a piercer. 

I will do it. I will. I can and I am doing it! 

The beauty of dreams.

I invest a lot in my dreams, the way they make me feel and why they do that.
I sometimes find myself wide awake in the middle of the night, panting from the contents of my dreams.
My dreams vary from being utterly disgustingly full of gore and violence, or being calmer than a blade of grass slowly swaying in a soft breeze.

There are times when I wake up shaken up and I just want to forget my dreams, other times I love them and I don't want to leave the land of sleep.

I think though my dreams have become more memorable and full of life since I stopped bunning Js.
I remember for a period in my life when I was goofed almost everyday, I thought I didn't dream much, I think I didn't dream at all. Many people have shown an interest in the link between drugs and dreams, for the time that I was smoking a lot of MJ, I had nearly no memorable dreams. It is a scary thought, I remember before I started down that path of self destruction, I used to dream almost every night and remember it. Since being off of grass and any other substances that were mind altering, I have been having vivid dreams that are often terrifyingly real in feel. Dreams that often make me question the world I 'Wake' up to.
Sometimes I do wish that the dreamless state that drugs created would have stayed, other times I am grateful for the fact that I can dream. I am too grateful for no longer being intoxicated with shit my body does not need. The only thing I get high on is air and the life I'm living.

Dreams can teach you a lot about the person you are, all you have to do is figure yourself out and hope for the best, keep yourself on track and in line with your goals. Dreams can help you with that, so pay attention the next time you have a dream that shakes your foundations and tests your strength.

Writers Block, Sunshine blossoms and happiness.

Sitting here trying to write and I can't....
I need to eat that is why I cannot write, bleg. I want mango and strawberries and pineapples, fresh ones.
In SA I am working my backside off to make money and be able to have a little place to live with a garden so I can grow pineapples and strawberries and avocado trees and mango trees.
That is my dream, to do what I love, to have a small little place to live, to have a garden full of wonders and to have a goat and two or three cats and to be happy.
Right now, that is what keeps me going, that is what I look forward to. I look forward to stepping out of my front door with no shoes on and going to work barefoot, I look forward to tasting the sea on my lips, to waking up with sunlight tickling my eyelids and to go to bed in the dark. I look forward to squishing my toes in the sand, eating bunny chows on the beach, swimming in the sea, I dream of being free. I want to  get up early and sit on my stoop and drink coffee and smell the rain, I want to dance in the warm rains and eat mango off the stone.
I want to be happy.
8 months.
8 months until I can feel the real sunshine on my neck and back, feel freedom seeping into my bones.