I felt my tongue move within my mouth and I began to speak....

You know I wonder sometimes what I am capable of? 

Will someone, one day push me to my limits? Will I snap, blackout and do something I'd regret? Where is that cut off line? How far can people be pushed? I wonder not only what I am capable of I wonder what others are capable of. I wonder how much it will take before people throw the towel in and lose it entirely. 

How much pressure can people take? why are we all so different? why can others take more and others take less? I envision myself losing all self control and letting the rage go. I close my eyes and I picture that rage burning out of veins and turning me into some kind of monster. some kind of tank with endless energy. 

I can only put into words half of what I wonder, the rest slips out of my mind the second it presents itself to my conscious mind, like water pouring out of a sieve. I make whole speeches in my mind and they are damn good, yet the minute I sit down to type them up the slip away, like I have but one thought in my brain, like I have some kind of diminished mental capacity. I think someday that is what will push me to my limit. I think I'd go insane if I could no longer express the few thoughts that are writable. I'd go mad. 

I guess this world, this day and age is a gamble, everything is a race against time, like that shitty film 'In Time' with Justin Timberlake.. you buy time and hope and pray to god that you don't wake up insane. You hope and pray that you are not just lost in a film or a dream of some kind. If you look good, even better, you get further. If you are smart, fantastic, you make money. If you are bad and corrupt, WHOOOOHOOO, you get a free ride straight to hell and a fat pay check and a heck of a lot of people following you and lapping up your glory. but of course this is only my explanation, my reasoning for the degradation of this world we live in  . 

I often find myself looking at people, watching them, observing them wondering what their limits are, what will send them over the edge. What makes some easier to send over than others, why are some weak and others strong. 

There are too many questions in my head that are only answerable with more questions. I really should be sleeping, but I just have to get this out of my brain, otherwise I won't sleep at all. I watch all of these films and I wonder questions that I cannot seem to find answers for. like was god just playing a sick joke when he made people of different skin tones hate each other, what good does it do to hate another human for the tone of their skin? I can't answer that question, why do people hate others for no other reason other than the color of their skin? why? why is it so important? you know that is one question that bugs me most, I know not many people are going to read this and even care but it is a damn good question, why not hate someone for the atrocities that they commit all in the name of a merciful god? I don't see how any god could allow his/her dispels and followers to carry on like wild animals, killing and preaching hate in his/her name... That is another thing that bothers me why is there so much faith in a being that has provided nothing but suffering in the lives of so many and provided comfort to those who deserve it least in this world. If that is the definition of mercy, I will walk the straight and narrow path straight to hell. how can someone supposedly merciful let their people die and suffer for the comfort of the sinner? 

but then who am I to say what is right or wrong? whats right to me might be a capital sin to others. what is right for me might be a whole other kinda wrong for someone else, that is what I keep coming back to what makes us who we are? which brings me back to the age old question, WHO ARE WE? WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? 

I refuse to believe that this is all there is to life, endless questioning, can't I just die now and reincarnate with the knowledge of what I am and what has made me who I am. If I was offered the choice to sacrifice my life for the answer, would I take it? when will the questions stop, why are some people just so curious? 

I never finish a day without a thousand questions on my mind, buzzing around in my brain keeping me awake. 

I'm not even going to bother editing this I am too tired for that. My body feels comfortably sore and over worked. If only I had wings, yellow fluffy fuzz and a sting, little worker bee, bumble bee. I want to be a fuzzy little bumble bee. :) 

So tired. I've an angry African mob of bees buzzing in my head.

xxxxxx

F